My children have been saying I’m the pig in “Sing” for weeks.  

Now having seen it… yep.

#ThisLittlePiggy

#Sing

#GroceryStoresHaveGreatAcoustics

#AislesAreMadeForDancing

#EmbarrassingTheKidsIsAPerkOfTheJob

Having hurdled the allergies and sickness of the beginning of the week, the kids and I are now able to enjoy their spring break a little.  I’m still pouring Zyrtec shots and antibiotic mixers, but the energy level have definitely picked up.

Our Virginia Beach plans were squashed though, so I’ve had to be inventive to keep the vacation from being a flop.  After this many days together, in the house, babes not feeling well, both going through growth spurts, neither wanting to do the same thing at the same time … I felt a kindred spirit to Jack Torrance.

I needed some time outside, some exercise and most of all, I needed some laughter.  So I loaded up the car with snacks, sunscreen, meds and movies and headed for Asheboro, NC.

The NC Zoo is the nation’s largest walk-through, natural habitat zoo.  The entire 500 acres are well manicured, easily navigated, very family friendly and best of all, air conditioned in several areas to give a respite from the heat.

It is also a smorgasbord of people from every walk of life.  There were the pearls and bow parents who looked perfectly preppy and put together.  The tattoo and tanks parents who wore every kind of tank top imaginable to show off their artwork.  The fit parents who wore their Under Armour and were ready for the five mile work out.

As we sat in the breeze on a perfect spring day, eating our $30 chicken nuggets,  I saw it.  The People of Walmart parade had begun and we had won front row seats.

The best look came from a woman wearing leggings that showed every curve and crevice with a t-shirt that said “Too bad you missed your shot at all this”.

That made me chuckle, but the real laughter was provided by a young couple with a little girl around two or three.  We were all waiting in line for the kids to take a picture with the bronze buffalo.  Their little girl walked up to it, looked over the massive statue and then promptly started swinging from the male animal’s very large nether regions.

I personally would have taken a few dozen pictures at that moment… I’m twisted like that… but her parents clearly didn’t think it was a Kodak moment.

The mother yelled out “Suzie, get off of those!”

The father looked at the mother and with a straight face said “Turn your head dear, I can’t have those things altering your reality.”

Her response was classic.  “Those aren’t what count, honey.  Go get your daughter while I find the hand sanitizer.”

It is moments like that when I miss someone to share the joke with. 🙂

#Zootalors

#NCZoo

#PeopleOfWalmartParadeChuckles

#ParentingHumor

 

The only thing I like about his allergies is that he finds his way back to this spot.

#HugItOut

#AllergyKid

#PollenIsTheDevilsDandruff

The kids and I played the game of Life this weekend.  My daughter was the banker, my son was the real estate agent, I was the only one who bothered to go to college and I beat them by over $1 million.  I probably rubbed that lesson in a little too much.

The point is, it got me thinking.  Each of them kept waving their money around saying what they would do with it if it were real.  When they asked me what I would do with my millions, the answer was obvious… hire someone to clean this house.

I’m happy to clean it.  Well, let’s be honest…  I’m not happy to do it, but I’m grateful for all I have and the fact that I am able to do it.  With that said, most of the messes I am cleaning up have little to do with me.  Most of the messes I am cleaning up are created by the adorable little angels that live here with me.

I’ll claim some of it – the coffee cups, the dishes in the sink that need to “soak” overnight, the laundry hanging from the curtain rod that’s been dry for 2 days, things like that.

But the unidentifiable stickiness on the island where the kids eat, not mine.  The same kind of spots on the coffee table, also not mine.

The clothes on the floor that trail from the front door all the way through the house, and eventually land on the floor BESIDE the hamper (that one sends me into my Cruella de Vil alter ego), not mine.

The tiny feet puncturing devices known as Lego pieces that are E.V.E.R.Y.W.E.R.E., not mine.  I found one in the silverware drawer the other day… what?!

The ripped tops from the tubes of Gogurt, not mine.  This one is a balancing act, especially with my son, because the little doll is such a picky eater.  I need him to keep eating the yogurt, but I also need to stop finding them on the end table for my sanity.  It’s a toss up which will go first.

And, of course, the devil’s own creation, the Pokemon cards. Definitely not mine.  I find them in the most random places, it’s like pulling a rabbit out of my hat.  There are hundreds of them and I swear my children know each one by name.  But ask them what they did at school that day… “I don’t know”.

So, if you could refer me to someone with the tricks of Mary Poppins, the disinfecting joy of Mr. Clean and the sarcasm of Mrs. Doubtfire,  who accepts Life/Monopoly money and wouldn’t mind rubbing the knots out of my shoulders every night – I would really appreciate it.

#MaidForLife

#LoveFamilyGameNights

#WeKeepGogurtInTheFreezer

#IfOnlyMrsDoubtfireWereReal

#MrCleanMrClean

 

 

I’m pretty sure I need professional help, y’all.

My sweet babies saw me folding towels from the dryer and offered to fold with me.  A sane person would accept their help and be grateful for their kind hearts.

Not me.  Towels are one of my few OCD issues.  I watched them proudly folding and all I could think was you’re folding them wrong.

“Wrong” is a strong word… just not right.

They put the towels in the closet with mine, then went off to play.  Now here I sit, wondering what kind of message I would send them if I refold everything, but more importantly, what kind of certifiable fruitcake lets that bother them?

I may fix it after they go to bed tonight.

#OCDissues

#LaundryNeverEnds

#TherapyCouldntHurt

Tell me something… 

I want to know why I quite literally have to drag my children out of bed five school days a week, but when the weekend hits they are up at 5am, starving like they haven’t eaten all week and have enough energy to put Carl Lewis’s record to shame.

I just bought tickets at the Raleigh Grande, where the seats are cozy barcaloungers, the room is dark and the movie is loud enough to mask my snoring. It’s a win-win.

#MorningEnergy

#RaleighGrande

#CarlLewisIsFastButMyKidsAreToo

#ParentingCompromises

Tell me something… 

I want to know why I quite literally have to drag my children out of bed five school days a week, but when the weekend hits they are up at 5am, starving like they haven’t eaten all week and have enough energy to put Carl Lewis’s record to shame.

I just bought tickets at the Raleigh Grande, where the seats are cozy barcaloungers, the room is dark and the movie is loud enough to mask my snoring. It’s a win-win.

#MorningEnergy

#RaleighGrande

#CarlLewisIsFastButMyKidsAreToo

#ParentingCompromises

That moment when you’re in a quiet public place and your child releases a bomb of pure LOUD raw evil gas, nearly setting the fire alarms off, then looks at you and says “oh my gosh mom!”, making anyone around you believe it is your fault their nose hairs are singed, their eyes are watering and their innocence is forever gone.  

If you are reading this, it wasn’t me!

The poison had just wafted from the room, when the other child took their shoes off… 

For the love of all that is good and Holy!

#ItWasntMe

#ILiveWithStinkyPeople

The kids and I have a nightly routine, as most families do.  I ask them repeatedly to get ready for bed, they come up with every excuse in the book to stay out of that bed.  It’s usually the only point in my day that I am praying for patience with them.  If I don’t nag them to get ready, it’s 9pm before they get in bed.  If I nag them too much (or loudly), they go to bed with a monster mother and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’ve earned the worst mother in the world award.

But tonight, by the Grace of God, I watched as they got ready without any nagging, arguing or whining.  It was like witnessing a Christmas miracle.  I tried not to make any sudden movements that would distract them from their progress.

My son was brushing his teeth, the last step before the blessed moment when I could lay down for the first time after a long day.  He spit and rinsed and showed me his pearly whites.  He wanted one more rinse, so he cupped his little hand and filled it with water.  But as he brought it to his mouth, about half of it poured down the front of his shirt.  He shut the water off, looked at himself in the mirror and said…

“Aw man!  My shirt’s all wet!  Now I’m going to have wet dreams!”

I told him I was getting a new shirt, but here I sit on the corner of his bed, laughing hysterically.  He has absolutely no idea why I thought it was so funny, and I’m sure he won’t think it’s funny when I tell this story at his rehearsal dinner, but oh my, the tears of laughter are rolling!

Sweet dreams everybody!

#NotSoDryDreams

#MySonAndHisOneLiners

#StoriesLikeThisFollowYouForLife