I’m wondering if you can help me… do any of you know the DNA breakdown of the male species that disables their otherwise capable brain from putting the toilet seat down?  There seems to be a communication barrier between my son’s brain and limbs after he flushes.  He has all the other steps down to a science, so maybe I shouldn’t complain… However, at 2am when I can’t shut my brain off and am already frustrated from a lack of dozing, I don’t need the extra wake up call of tushy diving into the toilet bowl.

Yep.  That happened.

#TushyDiving

#DNADontLie

#BoysWillBeBoys

#OutrageouslyOrdinary

These summer days are wonderful.  I love being with the kids and doing what we want to do, when we want to do it.  

But holy moly, during the school year I forget how hard being a single, stay at home mother can be.  You’re a chef, chauffeur, nurse, entertainer, referee, teacher, cruise director, play date coordinator, random question answerer, Googler, gamer, craft maker, photographer, coach, cheerleader, personal shopper, Disney/Pixar aficionado, and of course, maid.

That list makes me want to call my union rep.

#WhereIsNormaRae

#IWantARaise

#SingleParentingIsTricky

#CheersToTheStayAtHomeMoms

#OutrageouslyOrdinary 

When the kids are with their dad, I rarely cook for myself.  Heat up, maybe.  But cooking, nope.  Cooking for one is sad now.  Not hours of therapy sad, just someone taped over your favorite movie on your old VHS tape kind of sad.  It just takes so much effort when it’s only me to eat it, and the little boogers wear me out.

The kids and I had a really great day yesterday with really great friends, but the children far outnumbered the “grown ups” and good glory they have energy.  They were angels all day, but just keeping up with that many children kept my brain more alert than it is accustomed to being, even with my huge morning cup of caffeine.

I slipped into a coma for about an hour after their dad picked the kids up.  I went down like a saggy, lead balloon.  I woke up starving though and stood in front of the fridge looking at ingredients but no dinner.  In the end, I went with a gourmet option of wine and cheese… kraft cheddar, rice crackers and mom’s special big glass of wine.

I’m definitely not a great chef for a table of one.

#SaggyLeadBalloon

#ThankGodForGoodFriends

#MarblesKidsMuseum

#KraftAndIGoWayBack

 

#LakeLife

#NCSummers

#TheHumidityMakesMyHairGrow 

#OutrageouslyOrdinary 

When the kid’s funkiness has kicked up a notch, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich from lunch is still stuck to their sweet cheeks and they take off their socks to reveal the line where dirt couldn’t cross to pale feet… I announce STOP… SHOWER TIME.

I don’t announce it as much as sing it though.  Until today, my children thought I made up the little shower ditty.  I make up songs all the time to cheer them up, get them moving faster in the morning, or pump them up to clean their rooms.

I’m like Mary Poppins, really, with a little more elixir in my glass.

So I was cleaning the kitchen with my Spotify playing in the background when MC Hammer came on with “U Can’t Touch This”.  Both kids came running into the kitchen to listen and laughed at the guy singing “the wrong words” to the song.  I had to explain to them that The Hammer came up with the beat, I just put my own words to it.

It kind of deflated the fun UNTIL I showed them the music video and the Hammer pants that made the 90’s oh so fashionable.  Now we sing SHOWER TIME while they do the Hammer dance into the bathroom…

Basically, we are just too legit to quit.

And I’ll bet you are singing SHOWER TIME in your head now.  You’re welcome.

#ShowerTime

#ILoveMySpotify

#MCHammerPantsNation

#OutrageouslyOrdinary

 

Is there anything cuter than a cross-eyed boy with a field goal between his teeth?!  I don’t know why my children can’t just say cheese for the camera but I figure this gives me blackmail material when they are older.  

#SayCheeeese

#ToothFairyIsBroke

#CrossYourEyesForLuck

#OutrageouslyOrdinary 

It has been about 20 years since I have gotten a pedicure.  I keep things bright and shiny down there, but the last time anyone took a cheese grater to my heels I was wearing tight rolled pants and a scrunchy.

I spiff the color up every few weeks in the summer time but since the children have come along, it’s more like a caulk job than painting.  My toes are usually like a Picasso – from far away they look great, but up close they are a hot mess.

The kids are with their dad for the weekend and I had a gift certificate that a sweet friend gave me, so off I went to get gorgeous.  Things are a little different now…

This tiny lady, the size of my ten year old daughter, walked me to a massage chair.  I thought she would be gentle, but I quickly learned that with the power in those teeny hands, she could easily take down a Dallas Cowboy with one arm tied behind her back.

I had to pull my pant legs up to my knees because they put green goop all over my calves.  It felt like Burts Bees, it burned in a cool way, and made my legs as soft as a baby’s bum.  She scooped it from a barrel size mayonnaise jar, I may hit Costco tomorrow to see if they bought it there.

Along with the green goop, there were at least three different concoctions poured on my feet.  In all fairness, it may have taken that many chemicals to get all the old paint off my toes but none of them have fallen off yet so I’m guessing I’m safe.

When I was all painted and lubed up, they put the toe spreaders on and waddled me to a table with blue lights everywhere.  She said to dry my feet at the table, so I sat back and put my feet up to dry.

Another woman walked up to me, patted my shoulder and used little words to explain to the simpleton that my feet go under the table, not on top of it, where the blue lights would dry my polish.  “So get feet off table, girl.”

After a dozen apologies, I sat there imagining how different pedicures will be the next time I get one in 20 years, and how I can’t take me anywhere…

#PediCured

#MyToesArePurple

#OutOfMyElement

#OutrageouslyOrdinary

Today marks one year since Outrageously Ordinary was published!  It’s been a year of hospital visits, laundry, yard work, amazing vacations, kids growing out of clothes, tooth fairy visits, Pokemon battles, Uno wars, beach trips, crows feet maintenance, sanity maintenance…

So not much has changed, but so much has happened.  Thanks to the nearly 12,000 of you for reading and laughing at the days of our lives, and a huge thank you for all the emails and messages you send of support and commiseration.

Here’s to another year of greatness!

#OutrageouslyOrdinary

#ThankYou

 

I can’t clean the kitchen without music playing in the background.  I have some kind of mental block that won’t allow me to unload the dishwasher unless Sting and the Police or Aerosmith are blaring.

Imagine that scene, at the end of a Kelly Clarkson song…

My son: “Mom, have you really sung on a stage?”

Me: “I have.”

Son: “In front of people?”

I don’t like where this is headed but I answer, “Yep.”

Son: “Did they clap?”

Wow.

#Wow

#FromTheMouthsOfBabes

#KellysJobIsSafeForNow

#OutrageouslyOrdinary