Outrageously Ordinary

Let me begin by saying my mother is a saint and I dedicate this post to her in the hopes that she will get a chuckle out of it.

I awoke to whining at 5am. I am not a morning person, nor am I an early riser, so after a few choice phrases barked at these oh-so-precious puppies, I left them (quiet) in their kennels to think about what they had done. That lasted approximately 20 seconds before the whining began again with the added bonus of some howling. My mother, the saint, let me sleep and handled the situation.

When I woke up, I learned that the “situation” now included dog vomit and the misunderstanding that the sunroom was actually the dog’s toilet. We agreed to jump ship and go out for breakfast – after everything she had seen and cleaned this morning, she wanted out of the house.

So the Saint, the children and I went out to eat and spent the morning running around town and having a whale of a time – almost forgetting about the morning’s minutia. Mistake #1: never let your guard down.

We got home to find more vomit, and puppies who seemed to want to dance in it. We got them outside to hose them down and get the fragrant gunk from their fur, but who can stand still while being sprayed with a hose, right? They got more muddy than clean, so while I cleaned the kennel, the Saint gave the dogs a bath.

Even a Saint can only take so much, so with a loving hug and a wish of luck, she drove away covered in dog vomit, dog bath water, fur and God only knows what else. Mistake #2: never let your reinforcements leave until the battle is over.

So I’m left with two content and angelic children (they really are the best!), one bulimic dog whose vaccinations have upset his belly and another dog who is tip-toeing into the sanctity of womanhood. Yep, Miss Dottie is bloated, cranky, tired and upset with life in general. She will also soon be sporting a diaper because as far as I know, Always hasn’t come to the rescue on this problem.

Grace, my tender-heart, asks if she can hold Duke. She holds him while humming and whispering sweet nothings into his still wet ears. I take note of how precious the picture is just seconds before little Duke loses his lunch all over the carpet.

What I didn’t see was a smaller puddle come up on the tile right next to carpet. So I bend down to clean the carpet and step, bare-footed, in the puddle of hideousness. Mistake #3: always dress for the occasion. The right shoes are a must, or any shoes in my case.

As if knowing there was a breakdown in my future, Travis called to see if the kids wanted to hang for a bit. He got to the house, kids are excited, everyone is all smiles.

Listen for the Jaws theme in the background now …

Everyone leaves, I head back inside to see both dogs in the kitchen. Duke is hacking up a puddle of something, Dottie is licking another puddle of something, and I slip in yet ANOTHER puddle of something – still barefoot. Mistake #4: learn from your mistakes, only an idiot repeats them.

Cleaning and cursing, I get everyone to their kennels and sit down to steal a minute from this vile soaked day. So at this point, I am extremely confident that I have crossed the threshold of hell, and like Dottie, I’m upset with life in general.

Oy vey.