Outrageously Ordinary

The best stylist I have ever had moved to Colorado recently, without my permission or input. We barely had to speak before the cut, she just knew what would look good and I trusted her to make me look more glam than I really am. She was my therapist, style guru, hair stylist and cheerleader all in one. I’m left bitter with abandonment issues, but we wish her well.

While in Chapel Hill a few days ago, I decided to take the plunge and get a cut at this swanky place that was recommended. “It’s just hair”, I said. “What’s the worst that can happen?” I said.

Women – word to the wise, don’t ever go into a salon to meet someone new with that mentality. Nothing good will come of it.

I was greeted by someone with an Edward Scissorhands tattoo covering most of her arm. I found out after the cut had started that it was that movie that sparked her interest in cutting hair.

Oh Lord.

We had a long chat about what I wanted done, my likes and dislikes, my style, how little time I spend getting ready in the morning, I even brought a picture to reference. Everything but a mixed tape.

The first slice of hair fell to the ground and although the length of it took me aback, I chose to roll with it. She spun me away from the mirror while cutting and talking, and cutting some more.

It wasn’t until my mother walked up beside me and gasped that I realized how bad it was. She turned me towards the mirror and handed me a little one to see the back. All I can say is that my hair has been assaulted and I just sat quietly and still for the attack.

I look like Pat Sajak from the back and Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) from the Ghostbusters in the front. It’s the opposite of a mullet and definitely the opposite of awesome.

I am not a vain person, most of the time I think I’m funny looking, but this has forced me to hit every fashion site I can find for tips on growing hair faster and thicker. Horse shampoo, mayonnaise rinses, biotin, it’s all happening.

Meanwhile, I made an appointment to get a wax before our beach trip. They called to say they double booked and want to reschedule while I’m at the beach. So at this point I have too much hair on my legs, not enough hair on my head and no quick options to fix either.

A sun hat and good razor are on my shopping list today.